The Little HickMaid
by Ram Jas
Summary: It's a parody of The Little Mermaid, only instead of a mermaid wanting to get to land, it's about a hick wanting to get into acting. Mylanta, what will they think of next! Rated T for some sexual references. Heh heh
1. To act or not to act

The Little Hick-maid

(Smog is seen as the camera pans downward.

From the smog a movie's auditions appear.)

Actors/Crew: I'll tell you a tale of the Phantom of the Opera

And it's hey to the stage-right, tip-toe

Look out, lad, a Fangirl be waitin' for you

In mysterious cornfields below.

Gerard Butler: Isn't this great? The dusty stage, the smell of scripts and sweaty bodies . . .

a perfect day to be acting!

Gerry's Agent: (Leaning out window of high-story apartment where auditions are being held.) Oh yes . . . delightful . . . .

Actor 1: A fine strong wind and a following group of phans. The Phantom of Hollywood must be in a

friendly-type mood.

Gerard Butler: Phantom of Hollywood?

Actor 2: Why, ruler of the hicks, and creator of Hollywood, lad. Thought every good Actor knew

about him.

Gerry's Agent: Hicks! Gerry, pay no attention to this white-trash white-lie.

Actor 2: But it ain't no white-lie, it's the truth! I'm tellin' you, down in the

depths o' the cornfields they live. (He gestures wildly, piece of his script in his hand blows

away in the wind and flies into the air, flying out the open deck door of the apartment.)

Actors/Crew: Tip. Toe. Tip-toe. In mysterious cornfields below. (Script paper flies off into wind. Camera starts to pan out into sky again.)

(Titles. A cornfield. Crows are flying around, along with tons of random insects buzzing around. Little hick children are playing in the middle of dirt roads with garbage in the middle of the cornfield, while the adults are sittin' on their porches drinking cans of beer, waiting to watch cars go by. Hicks start to file into the high school, filling gymnasium/stage inside. Fanfare ensues.)

Erik's Vampire: Ahem . . . His amazing kewlness, The Phantom of Hollywood! (Phantom of Hollywood enters

dramatically to wild cheering.) And presenting the distinguished coach, Billy Bob Stevie Carl Renn! (Renn enters to mild applause.)

Phantom of Hollywood: I'm really looking forward to this game, Renn.

Renn: Oh, Your Ghost-i-ness, this will be the finest game I have ever coached. Your team - they will be spectacular!

Phantom of Hollywood: Yes, and especially my little Aminta.

Renn: Yes, yes, she has the most amazing tackle, and great throws. . . . sotto If only

she'd show up for practice once in a while. . . . (She proceeds to the team, gathered on the sidelines, stretching and warming up. She begins to give out plays.)

Phantom of Hollywood's Team: (begins to play against Tremont Turks, and sing as they being play "Blue 42", confusing the Turks at their singing) Ah, we are the football team of the Phantom.

Great coach and mentor who taught us well:

42, 67, 69 _side note: Rest in Peace buddy-love you and miss you_, 54, 27, 63.

And then there is the only girl in her football debut,

Our seventh little player, we're presenting her to you,

To punt the ball to Renn's play, her legs are like pure steel,

She's our star, Am-in . . .

(Huddle opens to reveal that Aminta is absent.)

Phantom of Hollywood: (Very angry.) Aminta!

(Cut to Aminta wandering through the woods, and hacking down tall grasses and weeds in her way. In front of Aminta is an old, abandoned mansion)

Jesse: (From distance.) Aminta, wait for me . . .

Aminta: Jesse, hurry up!

Jesse: (Catching up.) You know I can't go up hills that fast.

Aminta: There it is. Isn't it fantastic?

Jesse: Yeah . . . sure . . . it - it's great. Now let's get outta here.

Aminta: You're not getting cold feet now, are you?

Jesse: Who, me? No way. It's just, it, err . . . it looks - moldy in there.

Yeah. And I think I may be coming down with something. Yeah, I got this

cough. (Jesse coughs unconvincingly)

Aminta: All right. I'm going inside. You can just stay here and - watch for

hobos. (She goes inside.)

Jesse: O.K. Yeah - you go. I'll stay and - what? hobos! Aminta!

(He tries to get in through boarded-up window.) Aminta . . . I can't . . . I mean-

Aminta help!

Aminta: (Laughs.) Oh, Jesse.

Jesse: (Whispering.)Aminta, do you really think there might be hobos around

here? (Hobo passes by outside.)

Aminta: Jesse, don't be such a baby.

Jesse: I'm not a baby. (Gets pulled through window.)This is great - I

mean, I really love this. Excitement, adventure, danger lurking around

every cornfi- YAAAAHHHHHHHH! Aminta! (He sees a mirror, crashes into mirror

causing it to fall over, and runs frantically and blindly away, knocking over Aminta.)

Aminta: Oh, are you okay?

Jesse: Yeah sure, no problem, I'm okay . . .

Aminta: Shhh . . . (Seeing an old wineglass beside a bed covered in dusty velvet.) Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Have you ever

seen anything so wonderful in your entire life?

Jesse: Wow, cool! But, err, what is it?

Aminta: I don't know. But I bet Katie Phatty will.

(Puts wineglass in bag. A hobo staggers by outside, cussing at unseen "pink elephants", waving a knife around.)

Jesse: What was that? Did you hear something?

Aminta: (Distracted by an old condom, still in wrapper.) Hmm, I wonder what this is? _Aw shit, she must be Catholic XD_

Jesse: Aminta . .

Aminta: Jesse, will you relax. Nothing is going to happen.

Jesse: (Seeing drunken hobo looming behind him.) AAHHHH! Run! Run! We're

gonna die! (Hobo chases them all around, all the while stabbing at them, yelling barbarically, demanding why they are in his 'home'. Aminta's bag is hung up on an up-turned chair leg. She

goes back for it. The hobo almost stabs Aminta. They head for the entrance back to the cornfield.) Oh No!

(They crash through and go round and round the old abandoned mansion. Jesse gets knocked silly

but Aminta saves him and tackles the hobo, making him fall unconscious) You big bully. THBBBTTTT . . .

(Hobo wakes up for a moment and swipe at Jesse. Hobo falls back asleep, and Jesse runs off.)

Aminta: (Laughing.) Jesse, you really are a baby.

Jesse: I am not.

(About a half mile down from the back entrance to the cornfield. Katie Phatty on her boathouse on a lake humming and looking through her

telescope. The boathouse is tied up and she's sitting right next to the small bridge leading to the entrance to her house)

Aminta: Katie Phatty!

Katie Phatty: (Looking through the telescope the wrong way, shouting.) Whoa!

Hick off the port bow! Aminta, how you doin' kid? (Lowers telescope to

reveal Aminta at arm's length.) Whoa, what a walk!

Aminta: Katie Phatty - look what we found.

Jesse: Yeah - we were in this old, abandoned mansion - it was really creepy.

Katie Phatty: Sophisticated people stuff, huh? Hey, lemme see. (Picks up wineglass.) Look at this.

Wow - this is special - this is very, very unusual.

Aminta: What? What is it?

Katie Phatty: It's a famadigap! Humans use these little babies . . . to

Rest their heads on a table when they get too drunk to sit up by themselves. Ya just set it down, and - voiolay! You got an aesthetically pleasing configuration

Head-holding that the sophisticated go nuts over!

Aminta: A famadigap!

Jesse: What about that one?

Katie Phatty: (Holding condom) Ah - this I haven't seen in years. This is wonderful!

A see-through, Technicolor- lippihlab.

Aminta and Jesse: Oohhh.

Katie Phatty: Now, the lippihlab dates back to prehistorical times, when humans used

to sit try to go around stealing each other's trash. Got very dangerous. So, they

invented the lippihlab. Allow me.

(Katie Phatty opens the wrapper and stretches the condom out and places it over her head. It slips off, and snaps her head rather painfully)See how it disfigured my face? It also worked rather nicely when playing sports when one wasn't very good at it.

Aminta: Sports! The big game! Oh my gosh, my father's gonna kill me!

Jesse: The game was today?

Katie Phatty: (Still contemplating condom.) Maybe you could make a little grocery bag

out of it or somethin'.

Aminta: Uh, I'm sorry, I've gotta go. Thank you Katie Phatty. (Waves.)

Katie Phatty: Anytime sweetie, anytime.

(Cut to Marek and Westley, then Karson in background watching magic

projection of Aminta running into the entrance of the cornfield.)

Karson: Yeeeeeees, hurry home, princess. We wouldn't want to miss old daddy's

celebration, now, would we? Huh! Celebration indeed. Bah! In MY day, we

had fantastical feasts when I taught home ec. in the high school. And now, look at me -

wasted away to practically nothing - banished and exiled and practically

starving, while he and his flimsy hick-folk celebrate. Well, I'll give 'em

something to celebrate soon enough. Marek! Westley! I want you to keep an

extra close watch on this pretty little daughter of his. She may be the key

to Phantom of Hollywood's undoing. . . .

(Fade to the cornfield's biggest shack where Aminta is being admonished.)

Phantom of Hollywood: I just don't know what we're going to do with you, young lady.

Aminta: Daddy, I'm sorry, I just forgot, I -

Phantom of Hollywood: As a result of your careless behaviour -

Renn: Careless and reckless behaviour!

Phantom of Hollywood: - the entire celebration was, er -

Renn: Well, it was ruined! That's all. Completely destroyed! This

concert was to be the pinnacle of my distinguished career. Now thanks to

you I am the laughing stock of the entire kingdom!

Jesse: But it wasn't her fault! Ah - well - first, ahh, this hobo chased us

- yeah - yeah! And we tried to - but we couldn't - and - meeeeeeeh - and -

and we - whoooaaaaaa - oh, and then we were safe. But then this crazy cheerleader came,

and it was this is this, and that is that, and -

Phantom of Hollywood: Cheerleader? What? Oh - you went up to the town again, didn't you?

DIDN'T YOU?

Aminta: Nothing - happened. . . .

Phantom of Hollywood: Oh, Aminta, How many times must we go through this? You could've been

seen by one of those barbarians - by - by one of those SOPHISTICATED PEOPLE!

Aminta: Daddy, they're not barbarians!

Phantom of Hollywood: They're dangerous. Do you think I want to see my youngest daughter

snared by some gossiper's smooth words?

Aminta: I'm sixteen years old - I'm not a child anymore -

Phantom of Hollywood: Don't you take that tone of voice with me young lady. As long as you

live under my roof, you'll obey my rules!

Aminta: But if you would just listen -

Phantom of Hollywood: Not another word - and I am never, NEVER to hear of you going to the

town again. Is that clear? (Aminta leaves, crying.)

Renn: Hm! Teenagers. . . . They think they know everything. You give

them an inch, they swim all over you.

Phantom of Hollywood: Do you, er, think I - I was too hard on her?

Renn: Definitely not. Why, if Aminta was my daughter, I'd show her who was

boss. None of this "flitting to the surface" and other such nonsense. No,

sir - I'd keep her under tight control.

Phantom of Hollywood: You're absolutely right, Renn.

Renn: Of course.

Phantom of Hollywood: Aminta needs constant supervision.

Renn: Constant.

Phantom of Hollywood: Someone to watch over her - to keep her out of trouble.

Renn: All the time -

Phantom of Hollywood: And YOU are just the lassie to do it.

(Cut to Renn walking down corridor.)

Renn: How do I get myself into these situations? I should be writing

plays - not tagging along after some crazy cheerleader-wanna-be. (Sees Aminta

and Jesse sneaking off and follows.) Hmm? What is that girl up to? (She

barely makes it into cave and sees Aminta's collection of various Hollywood memorbilia.) Huh?

Jesse: Aminta, are you okay?

Aminta: If only I could make him understand. I just don't see things the way he

does. (Maybe he's right. Maybe there is something the matter with me.  
I just don't see how wanting to be an actress, and being famous could be bad.)

Look at this town  
Isn't it neat?  
Wouldn't you think that my town can't compete?  
Wouldn't you think I'm the girl  
The girl who has everything?  
Look at this trailer park  
Trash untold  
How many wonders can one hickville hold?  
Looking around here you think  
Sure, it's got everything  
It's got druggies and white-trash a-plenty  
It's got trailers and corn fields galore  
You want road-kill shish kabobs?  
We've got plenty!  
But who cares?  
No big deal  
I want more

I wanna be where the actors are  
I wanna see, wanna see them singin'  
Dancing around on that - what do you call it?  
Oh - stage!

Flappin' your jaw, you don't get too far  
Talent is required for making money  
Strolling along down a - what's that word again?  
red carpet!

Up where they gossip, up where they pop babies  
Up where they make out all day behind the scenes  
Wanderin' free - wish I could be  
Part of that world

What would I give if I could live out of this fucking cornfield?  
What would I pay to spend a day warm in L.A.?  
Bet'cha on stage they understand  
That they don't sit on porches drinking booze watching cars go by  
Bright young women sick of ignoramuses  
Ready to act

I'm ready to know what the actors know  
Ask 'em my questions and get some answers  
What's a Rocky Mountain Oyster and why does it make you?  
vomit?

When's it my turn?  
Wouldn't I love, love to explore that stage above all?  
Out of this field  
Wish I could be  
Part of that world

(Renn has been struggling around and now comes crashing down making

a lot of noise.)

Aminta: Renn?

Renn: Aminta - what, are you mad? How could you - what is all this?

Aminta: It, err, it's just my - collection. . . .

Renn: Oh. I see. Your collection. Hmmm. IF YOUR FATHER KNEW ABOUT THIS

PLACE HE'D -

Jesse: You're not gonna tell him, are you?

Aminta: Oh, please, Renn, he would never understand.

Renn: Aminta. You're under a lot of pressure down here. Come with me,

I'll take you home and get you something alcoholic to drink. (A limo is seen stopping by the gas station across the way.)

Aminta: What do you suppose?. . .

Renn: Aminta? Aminta!

(At gas station. Classical music is playing from the inside of the vehicle. Aminta looks on,

amazed. Renn and Jesse arrive.)

Renn: Aminta, what - what are you- dunkin' donuts! Aminta, Aminta!

Please come back! (Aminta runs over to limo and watches party inside the limo from a cracked-open window until Max finds

her.)

Gerry: (Whistles.) Max, here boy. Hey, come on, mutt, whatcha doing, huh

Max? Good boy. (Aminta sees him and is stricken.)

Katie Phatty: Hey there, sweetie! Quite a show, eh?

Aminta: Katie Phatty, be quiet! They'll hear you.

Katie Phatty: Oooh, I gotcha, I gotcha. We're being intrepidatious. WE'RE OUT TO

DISCOVER! (Aminta slaps her hand over Katie's mouth.)

Aminta: I've never seen a sophisticate this close before. Oh - he's very handsome,

isn't he?

Katie Phatty: (Looking at Max) I dunno, he looks kinda hairy and slobbery to me.

Aminta: Not that one - the one using the famadigap.

(Gerry's Agent comes out of the gas station after much talking to the owner, dragging something behind him.)

Gerry's Agent: Silence! Silence! It is now my honour and privilege to present our

esteemed Gerry with a very special, very amazing, very large, congratulatory

present.

Aminta: gasps and whispers to herself It's…it's Gerry Butler…from Timeline!

Gerry: Ah, Bill - y'old beanpole, you shouldn't have.

Gerry's Agent: I know. Congratulations, Gerry! (Large, gaudy, tin statue of Gerry is

revealed. Max growls.)

Gerry: Gee, Bill. It's, err, it's, err - it's really somethin'. . . .

Gerry's Agent: Yes, I commissioned it myself. Of course, I had hoped it would be a

wedding present, but . . .

Gerry: Come on, Bill, don't start. Look, you're not still sore because I didn't

fall for the chick from Dracula 2000, are you?

Gerry's Agent: Oh, Gerry, it isn't me alone. All the groupies want to see you

happily settled down with the right girl.

Gerry: Well, she's out there somewhere. I just - I just haven't found her yet.

Gerry's Agent: Well, perhaps you haven't been looking hard enough.

Gerry: Believe me, Bill, when I find her I'll know - without a doubt. It'll

just - bam! - hit me - like a Fangirl. (Thunder and lightning is found in the sky. Female hicks appear out of nowhere, it seems and quickly surround the groupies and Gerry.)

Groupie: Fangirls a'commin'! Get in the limo quick! (Girls reach the groupies.)

Katie Phatty: Whoa! The wind's all of a sudden on the move here. (She runs off.) Oh! Aminta . . . I have to secure my boaaaat. . .(Rain starts to pound into everyone's skulls, and lightning lights up the darkened sky)

Gerry: Look out! . . . (Lightning strikes a few feet from the station, startling the rest of the groupies into the limo, except for Max)

Bill, hang on! (Sees Max.) Max! (Goes back to save him.) Jump in Max! Come

on boy, jump! You can do it Max. (He saves Max but is trapped within the large herd of hick-women.)

Gerry's Agent: GERRY! (Gerry is overcome by the women, and the last thing the groupies saw of him was his hand waving above him before he was pulled down. The sky spits out hail, and the driver unknowingly drives away, leaving Gerry. Aminta sees Gerry struggling, and she crawls into the group, pulling Gerry out, and leaving the girls to fight over nothing.)

(On side of highway. Aminta is sitting next to an unconscious Gerry, who is next to the remains of a squirrel. A random hick runs crazily by, and scoops up the squirrel, yelling at Aminta.)

Hick-MY dinner!

(The hick hisses at Aminta before running off. Aminta pays him no attention)

Aminta: Is he - dead?

Katie Phatty: (Opens Gerry's eyelid.) It's hard to say. (Puts her ear against Gerry's

foot.) Oh, I - I can't make out a heartbeat.

Aminta: No, look! He's breathing. He's so, beautiful.

What would I give  
To act with you now?  
What would I pay  
To be there beside you?  
What would I do to see you  
Acting with me?

Where would we walk?  
Where would we run?  
If we could stay all day making movies? (and babies…wink wink nudge nudge)  
Just you and me  
And I could be  
Part of the stage

(Renn and Jesse have caught up and are watching scene. Max and

Gerry's Agent approach in limo. Aminta hurries away.)

Gerry's Agent: Gerry! Oh, Gerry. You really delight in these sadistic strains on my

blood pressure, don't you?

Gerry: A girl - rescued me. . . . She was - singing . . . she had the most -

beautiful voice.

Gerry's Agent: Ah, Gerry, I think you've swallowed a bit too much pollen-filled air. Off we

go. Come on, Max.

Renn: We just gotta forget this whole thing ever happened. The Phantom

will never know. You won't tell him, I won't tell him. I will stay in one

piece.

Aminta:

I don't know when

I don't know how

But I know something's starting right now

Watch and you'll see

Some day I'll be

Part of your world

(Marek and Westley appear. Fade to Karson watching from his chamber.)

Karson: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. I can't stand it - it's too easy. The

child is in love with a sophisticate. And not just any sophisticate – an actor! Her

daddy'll LOVE that. Phantom of Hollywood's headstrong, lovesick girl would make a

charming addition to my little garden.

(Fade to high school. Then to outside of girls' locker room.)

47: Aminta, time for practice. You've been in there all morning.

(Aminta emerges, singing to herself.)

69: What is with her lately?

Aminta: Morning, Daddy. (Aminta runs off.)

67: Oh, she's got it bad.

Phantom of Hollywood: What? What has she got?

69: Isn't it obvious, Coach? Aminta's got the hots for someone.

Phantom of Hollywood: Aminta? In love?


	2. Ah jeeez

Okay, so here's the ending. Not too sure about the ending, though. Tell me what you think, and maybe what I could do to change it and make it better. I don't like the last verse much, either. Ah well. Please review!

Renn: Down HERE is your home! Aminta - listen to me. The sophisticate world -

it's a mess. Life in the field is better than anything they got out there.

The cornfield is always greener

In somebody else's field

You dream about going out there

But that would be wrong thing to yield

Just look at the world around you

Right here with the hick-ish whores

Such wonderful things surround you

What more could you be lookin' fer?

In the cornfield

In the cornfield

We have better soil

Than the o'Doyle's Adam sandler movies reference there

Take it from me

Out on the set they work all day

Out in the sun they slave away

While we devotin'

Full time to boozin'

In the cornfield

Down here all the hicks are happy

As off through the hay they roll

The hick in the city ain't happy

They sad 'cause they don't got no style

But hick in the city is lucky

They in for a worser fate

One day when the boss get horny

Guess who's gon' be on the bed

In the cornfield

In the cornfield

Nobody beat us

Seduce us and eat us

In friskiness

We what the land folks loves to have

In the cornfield, we out o' the can

We've got gossip

It's no tossup

In the Cornfield

In the cornfield

Since life is sweet here

We got the beat here

Naturally

Even the hick and the redneck

They get the urge 'n' sit on the deck

We got team spirit

You got to hear it

In the cornfield

Route 9 ya cain't boot

A shack made from tarp

The ground is the base

And they lookin' sharp-

Aminta-(sees Jesse at the edge of the clearing, and starts to slowly back out)

The choir nerd she sings

The Popular and the brat

They know where it's at

An' oh that town-bike blow

In the cornfield

In the cornfield!

Aminta-Starts to sing along to get the attention away from her as Renn starts to really get into it)

What do they got? A lot of sand

We got a hot hick-redneck band

Each little tramp here

know how to jam here

In the cornfield!

Each little thug here

Cuttin' a rug here

In the cornfield!

Each little male here

Know how to wail here

That's why it's nonplussed

Under the crop-dust

Ya we in luck here

Down in the muck here

In the cornfield!

(They discover that Aminta has left with Jesse.)

Aminta? Aminta? Oh . . . somebody's got to nail that girl's feet to the football field.

Halley: Renn! Renn, I've been looking all over for you. I've got

an urgent message from the Phantom.

Renn: The Phantom?

Seahorse: He wants to see you right away - something about Aminta.

Renn: He knows!

(In Phantom of Hollywood's run-down town house. Phantom of Hollywood looking at stalk of corn.)

Phantom of Hollywood: Let's see, now. . . . Oh, who could the lucky football player be? (Notices

Renn.) Come in, Renn.

Renn: (Sotto) I mustn't overreact. I must remain calm. (Five octaves

higher than normal) Yes - (loco) yes, Your Majesty.

Phantom of Hollywood: Now, Renn, I'm concerned about Aminta. Have you noticed she's been

acting peculiar lately?

Renn: Peculiar?

Phantom of Hollywood: You know, moaning about, daydreaming, singing to herself. . . . You

haven't noticed, hmm?

Renn: Oh - well, I -

Phantom of Hollywood: Renn. . . .

Renn: Hmmm?

Phantom of Hollywood: I know you've been keeping something from me. . .

Renn: Keeping . . . something?

Phantom of Hollywood: About Aminta?

Renn: Aminta . . . ?

Phantom of Hollywood: In love?

Renn: I tried to stop her, sir. She wouldn't listen. I told her to stay

away from sophisticates - they are bad, they are trouble, they -

Phantom of Hollywood: Sophisticates? WHAT ABOUT SOPHISTICATES?

Renn: Sophisticates? Ho ho ho ho. . . . Who said anything about sophisticates?

(Fade to Aminta and Jesse entering cave.)

Aminta: Jesse, why can't you just tell me what this is all about?

Jesse: You'll see. It's a suprise.

Aminta: (Sees statue of Gerry.) Oh, Jesse- Jesse you're the best! it looks

just like him. It even has his eyes. "Why, Gerry, run away with you? This

is all so - so sudden. . . . (Turns around and sees Phantom of Hollywood.) Daddy! . . .

Phantom of Hollywood: I consider myself a reasonable man. I set certain rules, and I

expect those rules to be obeyed.

Aminta: But Daddy!-

Phantom of Hollywood: Is it true you rescued a sophisticate from fangirls?

Aminta: Daddy, I had to-

Phantom of Hollywood: Contact between the hick world and the sophisticate-world is strictly for-

bidden. Aminta, you know that! Everyone knows that!

Aminta: He would have died-

Phantom of Hollywood: One less star to worry about!

Aminta: You don't even know him.

Phantom of Hollywood: Know him? I don't have to know him. They're all the same. Spineless,

savage, snobby-nosed, incapable of any feeling-

Aminta: Daddy, I love him!

Phantom of Hollywood: No . . . Have you lost your senses completely? He's a movie star, you're

a hick!

Aminta: I don't care.

Phantom of Hollywood: So help me Aminta, I am going to get through to you. And if this is the

only way, so be it. (Begins to blast the memorbilia with his shotgun.)

Aminta: Daddy!. . . No . . . No, please- Daddy, stop!. . . Daddy, Nooo!. . .

(He blasts the statue. Aminta begins crying and he leaves, ashamed.)

Renn: Aminta, I . . .

Aminta: (Still crying.) Just go away. (He leaves and Marek and Westley appear.)

Marek: Pooor child.

Westley: Poor, sweet child.

Marek: She 'as a very serious problem

Westley: If only there were something we could do.

Marek: Boot ther' is somethin'.

Aminta: Who - who are you?

Westley: Don't be scared.

Marek: We represent sumeon' who cahn help ye.

Westley: Someone who could make all your dreams come true.

Marek and Westley: Just imagine -

Westley: You and your prince -

Marek and Westley: Together, forever. . . .

Aminta: I don't understand.

Westley: Karson has great powers

Aminta: The leader of the Fab 6? Why, that's - I couldn't possibly - no! Get out of

here! Leave me alone!

Marek: Suit yoorself.

Westley: It was only a suggestion.

Westley flicks the statue's broken face towards Aminta.

Aminta: Looking at the face Wait.

Marek and Westley: Yeeeeeeeeeess?

(Cut to outside of cave with Jesse and Renn.)

Jesse: (sniff) Poor Aminta.

Renn: I didn't mean to tell, it was an accident. (Aminta passes by.)

Aminta - where are you going? Aminta, what are you doing here with this

riff-raff?

Aminta: I'm going to see Karson.

Renn: Aminta, no! No, he's a gay guy! He's fashionable!

Aminta: Why don't you go tell my father? You're good at that.

Renn: But . . . But, I . . . (To Jesse.) Come on. (They travel towards

Karson's swanky pad.)

Marek and Westley: This way. (Aminta enters and is hung up in the garden of

Mannequins.)

Karson: Come in. Come in, my child. We mustn't lurk in doorways - it's rude.

One MIGHT question your upbringing. . . . Now, then. You're here because

you have a thing for this sophisticate. This, er, movie star fellow. Not that I blame

you - he is quite a catch, isn't he? Well, doll-face, the solution to your

problem is simple. The only way to get what you want - is to become a movie star and a skank

yourself.

Aminta: Can you DO that?

Karson: My dear, sweet child. That's what I do. It's what I live for.

To help unappealing innocents like yourself.

Poor girls with no one else to turn to.

I admit that in the past I've been stupid

They weren't kidding when they called me, well, a man

But you'll find that nowadays

I've mended all my ways

Repented, seen the dark, and made a switch

To this gestures to skirt

And I fortunately know a lil' seduction

It's a talent that I always have possessed

And dear lady, please don't laugh

I use it on behalf

Of the miserable, the lonely, and depressed (pathetic)

Poor unfortunate males

In pain, in need

This one longing for attention

That one wants a girl in bed

And do I help them?

Yes, indeed

Those poor unfortunate men

So sad, so true

They come flocking to my whorehouse

Crying, "Girls, Karson, please!"

And I help them!

Yes I do

Now it's happened once or twice

Someone couldn't pay the price

And I'm afraid I had to strip them of their man-hoods

Yes I've had the odd complaint

But on the rod I've been a saint

To those poor unfortunate men

Now, here's the deal. I will make you a potion that will turn you into

a popular, rich sophisticate, with a large part in a film for three months. Got that? Three months. Now listen, this is import-

ant. Before the sun sets on the thirtieth day of the third month, you've got to get dear ol'

Gerry to fall in love with you. That is, he's got to have sex with you. Not just

any ol' one-night-stand – I mean making love. If he does make love to you before the sun sets on

the thirtieth day of the third month, you'll remain a sophisticate, and become a famous movie star, along with a skank, permanently, but - if he doesn't, you

turn back into a hick, and - you belong to me. gestures to the garden of mannequins of hicks covered in hideously gaudy clothing

Renn: No Aminta! (She is silenced by Marek and Westley.)

Karson: Have we got a deal?

Aminta: If I become a movie star, I'll never be with my father or footballs team again.

Karson: That's right. . . . But - you'll have your man. Life's full of tough

choices, innit? Oh - and there is one more thing. We haven't discussed the

subject of payment. You can't get something for nothing, you know.

Aminta: But I don't have any -

Karson: I'm not asking much. Just a token, really, a trifle. You'll never even

miss it. What I want from you is . . . your strong grip.

Aminta: My strong grip?

Karson: You've got it, sweetcakes. No more football, no more massages, zip.

Aminta: But without my voice, how can I -

Karson: You'll have your looks, your newfound skills.

And don't underestimate the importance of body language, ha!

The men out there don't like a lot of blubber

They want a girl who acts just like a whore!

Yet out there it's much preferred for ladies not to say a word

And after all dear, what is idle babble for?

Come on, they're not all that impressed with conversation

True gentlemen avoid it when they can

But they dote and swoon and fawn

On a lady who's withdrawn

It's she who uses her tongue who gets a man

Come on you poor innocent girl

Go ahead!

Make your choice!

I'm a very busy madam and I haven't got all day

It won't cost much

Just yourself!

You poor homely girl

It's sad but true

If you want to cross the bridge, my sweet

You've got the pay the toll

Take a gulp and take a breath

And go ahead and sign the scroll

Marek, Westley, now I've got her, boys

The boss is on a roll

This poor unfortunate girl

(Aminta signs contract.)

Paluga, sarruga, come winds of the Caspian Sea.

Now masai et max tackle!

Le grip strength to me

Now . . . massage! gestures for Marek to come forward, and stand in front of Aminta You will learn now! Become a woman!

(Aminta shyly comes up to Marek, and looks up at him expectantly. He grabs her hands and places them on his shoulders as he turns around. She starts to massage them, and he growls deep within his chest. He pulls her to the pulled-out futon nearby, and pulls her down beneath her. He wipes the hair out of her face, and starts to kiss her. She goes wide-eyed with shock, then closes her eyes and gets into it. Marek places his hands on her breasts, and she whimpers in confusion, and finally gives in to the whole experience. After a while, she puts her hands on his shoulders, and pushes him to the side and rolls on top of him, and continues the kiss. As she begins to grind her pelvis into his own, giant hands come and pull a glittering white aura from Aminta (her innocence), and she's surrounded by blue sparks as she's reclothed in a black lace corset, showing off the fact she has breasts for the first time, a short black silk skirt with a slit up the side, showing off her shapely legs and a good amount of thigh, a black v-string, and stiletto-heeled black Jimmy Choos. She's wearing makeup for the first time in her life, and her hair is down and naturally curly, instead of its usual ponytail. Karson laughs evilly as the sparks turn to bright yellow, and Marek gets up off the futon with a sadness and gleam in his eyes.)

Karson: Goodbye my dear! Have fun on your trip! And remember: don't say that you've met each other before, or else, you'll be back here in a heartbeat, like Dorothy out of Oz. (Aminta is beginning to disappear in a burst of light. At the last second, Jesse and Renn jump into the light with her, and are thus transported to L.A.)

(Fade to beach. Gerry and Max are walking near beach house.)

Gerry: (practicing for the part of the Phantom by singing Music of the Night.) Help me make, the Music of the-Niiiiiiiiiiiight…That voice, and those strong, yet womanly hands, with their wonderful massage. I can't get it out of my head. I've looked

everywhere, Max - where could she be? (On other side of rocks Aminta is

washed up from seemingly no where. Renn and Jesse are exausted, and everyone is covered in water. Aminta sees her magically-waxed legs and face with enhanced features in her reflection in the water, and is

amazed and speechless.)

Katie Phatty: washes up on shore on a raft. Well, look at what the farmers dragged in! Look at ya! Look at ya!

There's something different. Don't tell me - I got it. It's your head,

right? You've been using the lippihlab, right? No? No huh, well let me

see. New . . . sports bra? No new sports bra. I gotta admit I can't put my

foot on it right now, but if I just stand here long enough I know that I'll -

Renn: SHE'S GOT A WOMAN'S BODY AND SKILLS, YOU IDIOT! She traded her innocence and tight, manly grip to the leader of the Fab 6

and got transformed into an experienced woman and a sophisticate. Jeez, woman . . .

Katie Phatty: I knew that.

Jesse: Aminta's been turned into a sophisticate, and is 'posed to get the lead part in this movie. She's gotta make the Gerry-guy fall in

love with her, and he's gotta ha-Jesse gets a pained look on his face, and he gazes longingly at Aminta, unknowingly to her …he's gotta make love to her. (Aminta tries to get

up, unsuccessfully, seeing as how she's never been in heels before, let alone stilettos.)

Renn: And she's only got three months, most of which she'll spend filming. Just look at her. In heels. In Jimmy Choos! My best football player! In heels! My nerves are shot. This is a catastrophe! What would her father say?

I'll tell you what her father'd say, he'd say he's gonna kill himself a coach,

that's what her father'd say! I'm gonna march meself straight home right now

and tell him just like I shoulda done the minute- (Aminta finally gets up and grabs Renn, opening her mouth.) . . . and

don't you start with me, young lady. Maybe there's still time. If

we could get that witch to give you back your nikes, and your throwing arm, you could go home with

all the normal hicks, and just be . . . looks at Aminta, whose lower lips is starting to wobble just be . . . a tear rolls down Aminta's cheek just be miserable for

the rest of your life. All right, all right. I'll try to help you find that

Gerry-guy. Boy. What a wimp I'm turning out to be.

Katie Phatty: Now, Aminta, I'm tellin' ya, if you wanna be a sophisticate the first thing

you gotta do is strut like one. Now lemme see.

(Cut to Gerry and Max. Max smells Aminta and gets excited.)

Gerry: Max? Huh . . . what, Max!

Katie Phatty: (Whistles as Aminta walks Mulan-style.) Ya look great kid. Ya look - sensational. (They hear Max.

He arrives and chases Aminta up on a rock.)

Gerry: Max . . . Max - Quiet Max! What's gohtten into ye laddie? (Sees Aminta.)

Oh . . . Oh, I see. Are you O.K., lassie? I'm soory if this knoocklehead

scahred yeh. He's 'armless, really - . . . you . . . seem very familiar . . .

to meh. 'ave we met? Aminta nods and grins We 'ave met? I knew it! Yoou're the one - the one I've

been looking foor! What's your name? (Aminta mouths "Aminta" but no sound comes out besides a croak. She blushes and jumps gymnast-like onto the rock, meaning to land on her hands. She falls and whimpers as she twists her ankle. Her twisted ankle and look of pain goes unseen by Gerry, and he chuckles at her attempt to be smooth) Wut was tha'? (Aminta looks sadly downward.)

Aminta: I guess I don't- (Aminta is shocked by her lack of a southern drawl, but doesn't falter in her excuse) have very good balance in these…or a very good grip…

Gerry: Oh. Then ye couldn't be who I thought ye weere. (Aminta and Max look frustrated. She

tries to get up, and wobbles.) Oh, are ye hurt? Do yeh need help?

(She starts to say yes, then attempts a fake faint, with realistic results as she realizes she's fallen into the arms of her dream-man.) Said as he carried her into the beach house Ach, you must 'ave really been through sumthin'. Don't worry, Ah'll help ye. Come on, you'll be okay. he gazes into her face, and wipes a strand of hair from her face before shaking his head and continuing on his way into the beach house.

(Fade to Aminta in bath playing with showerhead.)

Sheila (old part of Sheila, big woman that is servant to Ariel): Washed up from the shore. Oh, the poor thing. We'll have you

feeling better in no time. Picks up Aminta's "outfit" I'll just - I'll just

get this washed for you.

(Cut to Renn, whose face is peeking into the window of the laundry room.)

Woman 1: Well you must have at least heard about this girl.

Woman 2: Well, Gretchen says . . . (Scalding hot water is thrown out the window, into Renn's face) . . . since when has

Gretchen got anything right. I mean really, this girl shows up in slut-clothing and

barely speaks a word-

Renn: You skank! . . . (more scalding water thrown out window)

Woman 2: . . . not my idea of a girl for Ger. If he's looking for a girl, I know

a couple of highly available ones right here . . . (Renn dives into

another room, where she sees tons of show-dancers getting dressed. One turns to her, and hands her a spare outfit, thinking she's one of them, and is late. She faints.)

(Cut to beach-house/mansion dining room.)

Gerry's Agent: Oh, Gerry, be reasonable. Nice young ladies just don't – wander around

rescuing people in the middle of the nowhere and then - flutter off into

oblivion, like some -

Gerry: I'm tellin' you, Bill, she was REAL! I'm gonna find that girl - and I'm

gonna marry her.

Sheila: Ha Ha. Come on honey. Don't be shy. (Aminta enters in a simple, but attractive

dress. It's a tube-dress made of cream-colored lace and satin, and goes to her knees, showing off her shapely legs, only in a more appropriate manner this time. She's wearing cream-lace ballet flats, along with simple pearl earrings and a pearl necklace)

Gerry's Agent: Oh, Gerry, isn't she a vision?

Gerry: You look - beautiful.

Gerry's Agent: Come come come, you must be famished. Let me help you my dear. There

we go - ah - quite comfy? Uh. It's - It's not ofen that we have such a lovely

dinner guest, eh Gerry? (Aminta sees a wine glass, and grabs it, and sticks her chin in it, grinning proudly. They look

dumbfounded and she is embarrassed. She sees a condom sticking out of Bill's pocket and brightens. She grabs it out of his pocket, to his dismay, and rips it open. She blows it up, and places it over Bill's face, as it breaks and snaps back.

Gerry laughs. Aminta looks confused and rather embarrassed once again.)

Sheila: Oh, my!

Gerry: Ahem, so sorry Bill.

Sheila: Why, Gerry, that's the first time I've seen you smile in weeks.

Gerry's Agent: (Cradling his reddened face.) Oh, very amusing. Sheila, my dear, what's for

Our after-dinner entertainment?

Sheila: Oooh, you're gonna love it. Louis's been training the girls in a new dance!

(Cut to Renn watching Louis as he watches the girls warm up. He is humming to himself.)

Louis:

Les girls

Les dancers

How I love the dancers

Love to teach

And to show off my girls

First I cut them down

Then I pull out their spines

Ah mais oui

Bossing around is great

Les dancers

Les skilled

Hee hee hee

Hah hah hah

With my words I hack hearts in two

I pull apart what's inside

And I serve it with style

God, I love the little vixens

Don't you?

Here's something for tempting the palate

Prepared in the classic technique

First you pound their esteem with a mallet

Then you slash through independence

Give them a nice slap

Then you rub some salt in

'Cause that makes makes them act nice

Zut alors, I have missed one!

Sacre bleu

What is this?

How on earth could I miss

Such a sweet little succulent girl?

Quel dommage

What a loss

Here we go in the cross

Now a pliee, I think

Just one quick

Now I stuff you with false hope

It don't hurt 'cause you're empty now

And you're certainly lucky you are

'Cause it's gonna be hot

Once my great dance starts

Toodle loo mon poisson

Au revoir!

(Renn hops back and Louis grabs at her again.) What is this? (Renn

boxes his jaw and a battle ensues. Louis knocks over a large wardrobe off to the side.)

(Cut to dining room. Huge crash is heard.)

Sheila: I think I'd better go see what Louis is up to.

(Back to girls dressing room. Louis is trashing the place.)

Louis: Come out you little slut and fight like a man!

Sheila: Louis! What are you doing?

Louis: Well - I - I was just - er, er, I'm sorry, madame.

(Cut back to dining room. Gerry, Agent, and Aminta are just finishing dinner, and their plates are being cleared.)

Gerry's Agent: You know, Gerry, perhaps our young guest might enjoy seeing some of the

sights of the city. Something in the way of a tour? Maybe take her to the auditions for the movie?

Gerry: I'm sorry, Bill, what was that?

Gerry's Agent: You can't spend all your time moping about, you need to get out. Do

something, have a life. (Gerry's Agent pulls a tasseled rope hanging beside him, opening the curtain, revealing the dancers, including Renn off to the side, looking mortified in a light pink fairy costume.) Get your mind off -

Gerry: Easy, Bill, Easy. (Aminta lifts her side of the table cover, and Renn rushes across while no one is looking.)

It's not a bad idea. If she's interested. Well - whaddaya say? Would you

like to join me on a tour of L.A. and see the sets for the Phantom of the Opera this Saturday?

Aminta: I would be honored, Mr. Butler.

Gerry: Please, call me Gerry.

Aminta: Alright…places a hand on Gerry's thigh…Gerry. (Gerry's eyes pop out of his head, and he looks side-ways at her, lust in his eyes, unseen by his agent)

Gerry's Agent: Wonderful, now let's view this dance before the girls run away. (At this time, the girls are bowing and leaving the stage. Bill is perturbed, yet laughs.)

(Fade to Aminta watching Gerry and Max from balcony.)

Gerry: Come here boy! . . . Arrr . . . (He sees Aminta and waves. She is embarrassed at being caught at watching him, but she lingers for a moment, to blow him a kiss before going back inside.)

Renn: This has got to be, without a doubt, the single most humiliating day

of my life. I hope you appreciate what I go through for you, young lady.

Now - we got to make a plan to get that boy to kiss you. Tomorrow, when he

takes you for that ride, you gotta look your best. You gotta bat your eyes -

like this. You gotta pucker up your lips - like this. (She sees she is

asleep.) Hm. You are hopeless child. You know that? Completely hopeless . . .

(Fade to police H.Q. of the cornfield. Halley and Erik's Vampire walk up to Phantom of Hollywood.)

Phantom of Hollywood: Any sign of them?

Halley: No, Your Majesty. We've searched everywhere. We've found no trace

of your daughter - or Renn.

Phantom of Hollywood: Well, keep looking. Leave no shell unturned, no coral unexplored. Let

no one in this kingdom sleep until she's safe at home.

Erik's Vampire: Yes sire. (He leaves.)

Phantom of Hollywood: Oh, what have I done? What have I done?

(Friday Afternoon. Aminta is in the garden, singing Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again to herself, really getting into it, and walking around the trees as if they were gravestones. She finishes at the back stairs to the beach house.)

Aminta: No more gazing across the waster yea- (Is stopped by Gerry on the bottom step, gazing down at her in astonishment. She stops immediately, and blushes) Oh, I'm sorry for being in your way…

Gerry: No, I'm soory fer interruptin' ye. Please, continue.

Aminta: I-well, only if you insist-

Gerry: I fully insist, please, lassi-ye know ah haven't even asked yeer name yet. How could I 'ave forgotten?

Aminta: (blushing) My name is Aminta Kristine. You can call me Aminta.

Gerry: Well, it's rather lovely the finally meet ye officially, Aminta, and Ah'm soory fer noht being around ye tha' much the be tha' 'ospitible, but ah've 'ad meetings with Joel Schumacher…

Aminta: That's okay, Gerry. I understand. The life of an actor is so busy. And exciting, and wonderful, and-

Gerry: It's noht all tha' great. It's rather exhausting. But here Ah am keepin' ye from yoor lovely singing.

Aminta: Oh, that's alright. It was just for fun, anyways.

Gerry: Would ye mind singing another one for me just for fun then? You've goht a rather wonderful voice. Do you know anymore of the songs from Phantom?

Aminta: Yes, actually. I'm quite a big fan.

Gerry: Would ye happen the know "The Point of No Return"? (Gerry grins sideways at Aminta with the same look he had the night at dinner when she had grabbed his thigh)

Aminta: (grins back) That happens to be my favorite, actually. Would you care to start, good monsieur?

Gerry: (his face goes solemn) You have come here

In pursuit of your deepest urge

In pursuit of that wish which till now

Has been silent

Silent.

I have brought you

That our passions may fuse and merge

In your mind you've already succumbed to me, dropped all defenses

Completely succumbed to me

Now you are here with me

No second thoughts

You've decided

Decided.

Past the point of no return

No backward glances

Our games of make-believe are at an end.

Past all thought of "if" or "when"

No use resisting

Abandon thought and let the dream descend

What raging FIRE shall flood the soul

What rich desire unlocks its door

What sweet seduction lies before us?

Past the point of no return

The final threshold

What warm unspoken secrets

Will we learn

beyond the point of no return?

(Aminta grows red in the face from the heated thoughts running through her mind at his singing, but she remembered her cue just in time from the music that only they could hear. As she sings, she slowly walks around the fountain in the middle of the garden, and back to Gerry.)

Aminta: You have brought me

To that moment when words run dry

To that moment when speech disappears

Into silence

Silence.

I have come here,

Hardly knowing the reason why

In my mind I've already imagined

Our bodies entwining

Defenseless and silent,

Now I am here with you

No second thoughts

I've decided

Decided.

Past the point of no return

No going back now

Our passion-play has now at last begun.

(Aminta places finally reaches Gerry, and places herself in front of him, looking up into his eyes, even though she knew it'd strain her vocal cords.)

Past all thought of right or wrong

One final question

How long should we two wait before we're one?

(At this she grabs his hands and places them on her hips as she turns and presses her back into his abdomen. She starts slowly grinding herself against Gerry, and can slowly hear him start to make small groaning noises)

When will the blood begin to race

The sleeping bud burst into bloom

When will the flames at last CONSUME us?

(Gerry places his hands on her shoulders and spins her around into his arms and places a heated kiss onto her lips. Aminta pulls away. Trying to regain his dignity, Gerry says:)

Gerry: Ye know, ye should audition foor the part of Christine.

(Aminta blushes, but keeps her cool)

Aminta: I'm burning up; how are you doing, Gerry?

Gerry: I'm consumed.

(Gerry pulls her in for another kiss that lasts for a few minutes. They end up with Gerry seated on the bottom stair, with Aminta gyrating her hips into his lap as they continue "playing tonsil hockey". Aminta finally pulls away after a few minutes.)

Aminta: Well, I'm rather tired. I'm going to bed. G'night, Gerry. (With that final word, she pulls him in for one last kiss. She pulls away, her gaze lingering on him before she finally turns away.)

(Out of nowhere, Bill walks over to Gerry, and pats him on the shoulder)

Bill: Looks like you're getting somewhere with this girl, Gerry.

Gerry: Yeah, yeah, you're not getting your way. I'm not whipped.

Bill: I know you're not. In fact, you're head over heels.

(Bill walks off to leave Gerry staring off into space and suffering a painful case of blue balls.)

(Saturday afternoon at beach house. Aminta and Gerry leave for their tour. Aminta is amazed

by everything.)

Jesse: (As they pass by them on the beach eating ice cream.) Has he done her yet?

Renn: Not yet.

Jesse: (Secretly relieved)Ohh . . . (Aminta and Gerry go dancing and see the town.)

(Aminta and Gerry go to a meeting with Joel Schumacher and Andrew Lloyd Webber about the movie. Gerry introduces Aminta)

Joel: She's just as beautiful as you'd described her Gerry. (Aminta blushes and gazes adoringly at Gerry, who shyly smiles back)

Gerry: She can sing, too.

Aminta: Well, just a little bit, but-

Webber: Would you care to sing for us then, dear?

Aminta: Well, I'm not prepared or anything… wants to have her pull a Jazz flute out of her sleeve, but that wouldn't work here. DANG IT.

Gerry: Wut are ye talkin' aboot? Ye know every note of Andrew's songs like the back of yer hand!

Webber: (interested) Really?

Aminta: Yes, I'm actually quite a big phan of le Fantom de l'Opera, and your musical has touched many hearts, mine among them.

Webber: Well put, my dear, and I thank you. I'd be honored to hear a voice that's praised so highly as yours.

Aminta: Praised?

Joel: Oh, Gerry wouldn't shut up about you on the phone this morning. You'd think he was a school girl with the amount he talked. (Gerry blushes, and Aminta joins him)

Aminta: Well, if you'd like to have your eardrums burst, I guess I could whip something up…

(Webber and Joel smile at each other, thinking the same thing as they hear her sing. She sings "Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again" as she previously had in the garden. Joel approved whole-heartedly, but Webber had plenty of comments. By the time he was done criticizing her, she was close to tears, but she took it like a man, and remembered every word, so she'd be able to sing it properly the next time.)

Webber: All in all, you did a WONDERFUL job! I'd like to hear from you again sometime soon, if you don't mind. How long have you been taking lessons for?

Aminta: I've never had any lessons before, I mean, other than chorus in middle school, and some tips here and there from friends. That, and a LOT of practicing in the shower. It's been said that shampoo bottles are my best audience.

(Everyone laughs light-heartedly. Gerry and Aminta say goodbye, and get back home late in the evening. Life continues as it did for the first 6 days.)

Gerry: (walking into Aminta's room after politely knocking) I was woonderin' if maybe ye'd want to accumpanee me to dinner this evening?

Aminta: (brushing her hair with a fork had to have it in there somewhere) I'd love to! I mean, where to? What is the dress code?

Gerry: Formal. I'll see ye tonight. (Leaves before she notices he'd nervous)

(Aminta is picked up in a horse-drawn wagon at the front of the hotel.)

Katie Phatty: (Passing by in town) Yo, Jesse! Any screwing?

Jesse: No, not yet.

Katie Phatty: Hmm. Well they - they better get crackin'.

(Gerry and Aminta share a wonderful meal, accompanied by Joel and Andrew, in which Joel and Andrew tell her they want her to be Christine in the play. She accepts, and they toast to their good health and to a good movie. After the meal, Joel and Andrew depart, and they go back to the hotel. They continue going on dates even when they're staying in Britain for filming. On the evening before the thirtieth day of the third month, on the last day of filming, Gerry surprises Aminta with a romantic walk on the beach in the setting sun. They end up in the garden, where they had their first kiss.)

Jesse: Move over - move your big hips. I can't see a thing.

Katie Phatty: Nothing is happening. . . . Only one day left, and that boy ain't

Gone up her skirt once. O.K. All right, this calls for a little vocal romantic

stimulation. Stand back. (She creeps up second heat-invisibilitybehind a large rock and sings very badly.)

Gerry: Wow. Sumebody should find that poor ahnimal and put I' out of its misery.

Renn: Jeez, man, I'm surrounded by amateurs! You want something done,

you've got to do it yourself. First, we got to create the mood.

Percussion. . . . Strings. . . . Winds. . . . Words. . . .

There you see her

Sitting there across the way

She don't got a lot to say

But there's something about her

And you don't know why

But you're dying to try

You wanna screw the girl

Gerry: Did you hear something?

Renn:

Yes, you want her

Look at her, you know you do

Possible she wants you too

There is one way to ask her

It don't take a word

Not a single word

Go on and screw the girl

Sha la la la la la

My oh my

Look like the boy too shy

Ain't gonna kiss the girl

Sha la la la la la

Ain't that sad?

Ain't it a shame?

Too bad, he gonna miss the girl

Gerry: You know, I feel really bad not knowing anything about you.

Aminta: I prefer not to talk of it, if you don't mind.

Gerry: If you don't want to talk about it, that's alright. I don't mind. I just want to spend the night gazing in your eyes. GAG CHEESE

Renn:

Now's your moment

Basking in the full moon

Boy you better do it soon

No time will be better

She don't say a word

And she won't say a word

Until you screw the girl

(Gerry and Aminta start to kiss)

Sha la la la la la

Don't be scared

You got the mood prepared

Go on and screw the girl

Sha la la la la la

Don't stop now

Don't try to hide it how

You want to screw the girl

Sha la la la la la

(The kissing starts to get heavy, and they're soon rolling together in the grass.)

Float along

And listen to the song

The song say screw the girl

Sha la la la la

The music play

Do what the music say

You got to screw the girl

You've got to do the girl

You wanna screw the girl

You've gotta do the girl

Go on and screw the girl

(Marek and Westley activate the sprinkler system, causing Aminta to giggle and roll out from on top of Gerry. She tries to get up, but slips. Gerry catches her)

Gerry: Whoa, hang on - I've gotcha. (Marek and Westley congradulate each

other.)

(Cut to Karson's cavern.)

Karson: Nice work, boys. That was a close one. Too close. The little tramp!

Oh, she's better than I thought. At this rate, he'll be screwing her by

sunset for sure. Well, it's time Karson took matters into his own hands!

Phantom of Hollywood's daughter will be mine - and then I'll make him writhe. I'll see him

wriggle like a worm on a hook! (Laughing, she transforms into a beautiful glamorous woman with

Aminta's strong hands, singing voice, and massaging abilities.)

(Fade to castle at night. Gerry is singing Music of the Night and contemplating as

Gerry's Agent approaches.)

Gerry's Agent: Gerry, if I may say, far better than any dream girl, is one of flesh

and blood, one warm and caring, and right before your eyes. (Bill walks off, and Gerry sees Aminta, and

sighs. He is distracted by Karson/Vanessa singing with

Aminta's voice and is placed under her spell as she makes her way over to him, and starts to massage his shoulders.)

(Katie Phatty flying toward castle in morning.)

Katie Phatty: Aminta! Aminta, wake up! Wake up! I just heard the news. Congratula-

tions, kiddo, we did it!

Renn: What is this idiot babbling about?

Katie Phatty: Right - as if you two didn't know, uh? The whole town's buzzin' about

Gerry gettin' himself hitched this afternoon! You know, he's getting

married! You silly sidewalker! I just wanted to wish you luck. I'll catch

you later, I wouldn't miss it! (Aminta brightens and runs downstairs, only to

see Gerry and Vanessa together.)

Gerry's Agent: Well, uh - err, Gerry. I-it appears that I was mistaken. This mystery

maiden of yours does - in fact exist. And - and she is lovely. Congratula-

tions, my dear.

Gerry: We wish to be married as soon as possible.

Gerry's Agent: Oh, yes - of course, Gerry, but, er - but these things do take time,

you know. . . .

Gerry: This afternoon, Bill. The wedding ship departs at sunset.

Gerry's Agent: Oh, oh - very well, Gerry - as you wish. (Aminta runs off crying.)

(Cut to late afternoon as wedding ship starts to leave. Aminta on pier

crying bitterly as Renn and Jesse look on.)

(Cut to Katie Phatty rowing her raft out in the ocean once again and humming to herself.)

Vanessa: What a lovely little bride I'll make, my dear I'll look divine

Things are working out according to my ultimate design

Soon I'll have that little hick-maid, and Hollywood will be mine!

Katie Phatty: (Seeing real Karson in mirror.) The leader of the Fab 6! Oh no . . . She's-

I gotta. . . (Runs into side of ship, crashing her raft. Swims off to find Aminta.) Aminta!

Aminta! Aminta. I was swimming, I wa - of course I was rowing first - An' - I s- I

saw that the watch - the witch was watchin' a mirror, and she was singin'

with a stolen set o' pipes! Do you hear what I'm tellin' you? GERRY

IS MARRYING THE LEADER OF THE FAB 6 IN DISGUISE!

Renn: Are you sure about this?

Katie Phatty: Have I ever been wrong? I mean when it's important!

Jesse: What are we gonna do? (Aminta hears Karson's voice in her head as the

sun drops.)

Karson: . . . Before the sun sets on the thirtieth day of the third month. . . . (Aminta jumps in water

but can't swim well. Renn sends down some barrels.)

Renn: Aminta, grab on to that. Jesse, get her to that boat as fast as

your ninja skills can carry you!

Jesse: I'll try.

Renn: I've gotta get to the Phantom of Hollywood. He must know about this.

Katie Phatty: What - What about me? What about ME?

Renn: You - find a way to STALL THAT WEDDING!

Katie Phatty: Stall the wedding. Wh- what am I - what - that's it! (He flies off to

rally the hobos and football team.) Move it, let's go, we got an emergency here!

(Cut to wedding in progress. Max growls at Vanessa but she kicks him.)

Priest: Dearly beloved . . . (Jesse is pulling Aminta toward ship.)

Jesse: Don't worry Aminta. ugh - we - we're gonna make it. We're almost

there.

Priest: Yes, um, do you Gerry, take Vanessa, to be your lawfully wedded wife,

for as long as you both shall live?

Gerry: (Under spell.) I do.

Priest: Eh, and do you . . . (Hobos swoop in for attack, causing

great chaos.) . . . then by the power inves-(#69 tackles Vanessa)

Vanessa: Get away from me you slimy little- Oh, why you little- (In the

struggle, the glass vial holding Aminta's voice it broken and it goes back to her.

Gerry comes out of the spell as she sings and grasps his shoulders with a grip of steel.)

Gerry: Aminta?

Aminta: Gerry.

Gerry: You - you have a strong grip. You're the one.

Vanessa: Gerry, get away from her!

Gerry: It - it was you all the time.

Aminta: Oh, Gerry, I - I wanted to tell you.

Vanessa: GERRY NO! (The sun sets and Aminta becomes a hick once again, in sweats and makeup-less and hair in a ponytail.)

Karson: You're too late! You're too late! So long, loverboy.

Gerry: Aminta! (Karson and Aminta disappear in a flash of blinding yellow light. Jesse and Renn run to Gerry to tell him where Aminta went to.)

Karson: Poor little princess - it's not you I'm after. I've a much bigger hick

to -

Phantom of Hollywood: Karson, stop!

Karson: Why, Phantom of Hollywood! Ha ha ha - How ARE you?

Phantom of Hollywood: Let her go.

Karson: Not a chance, Phantom of Hollywood! She's mine now. We made a deal.

Aminta: Daddy, I'm sorry! I - I - I didn't mean to. I didn't know -

(Phantom of Hollywood attacks the contract with a fierce blast from his shotgun, to no

avail.)

Karson: You see? The contract's legal, binding and completely unbreakable -

even for YOU. Of course, I always was a girl with an eye for a bargain.

The daughter of the great phantom is a very precious commodity. But - I

might be willing to make an exchange for someone even better. . . .

(Cut to Gerry throwing on a helmet with mic in it, while he gets controls ready in a personal jet.)

Gerry's Agent: Gerry! What are you doing?

Gerry: Bill, I lost her once. I'm not going to lose her again.

(Back to Karson and Phantom of Hollywood.)

Karson: Now! Do we have a deal? (Phantom of Hollywood signs contract.) Ha! It's done then.

(Aminta is released and Phantom of Hollywood is turned into a mannequin wearing gangsta clothing as Karson laughs.)

Aminta: No . . . Oh, No!

Renn: Oh, your majesty . . .

Aminta: Daddy? . . .

Karson: (Picks up mask.) At last, it's mine. Ho, Ho . . .

Aminta: You - You monster!

Karson: Don't fool with me you little brat! Contract or no- AAAAHH! (She is snapped back to reality

with a Punjab lasso thrown around her neck by Gerry.) Why you little troll!

Aminta: Gerry! Gerry look out!

Karson: After him! (Marek and Westley attack.)

Renn: Come on! . . .

Karson: Say goodbye to your sweetheart. (Aminta makes her miss Gerry and blast

Marek and Westley.) Babies! My poor, little poopsies!

(On surface as Karson grows beneath.)

Aminta: Gerry, you've got to get away from here.

Gerry: No, I won't leave you.

Karson: (Now very large.) You pitiful, insignificant, fool!

Gerry: Look out!

Karson: Now I am the ruler of all of Hollywood! The actors obey my every whim!

The dancers and all its spoils bow to my power! (She wrecks havoc, makes the ground churn and raises some old stages.)

Aminta: GERRY! (He gets on of the stages as Aminta falls to the bottom

of the pit of churning earth. Karson attempts to blast her.)

Karson: (Laughing wickedly.) So much for true love! (As Karson is about to

finish Aminta, Gerry quickly turns some dials and pushes buttons, and tons of sacks of sand fall onto Karson and the rope which was around his neck is pulled. She is choked and dies most

horribly. Gerry collapses on the stage. The shotgun falls back to Phantom of Hollywood and

everything reverts to normal.)

(Fade to morning with Gerry at gas station and Aminta watching from a distance.

Phantom of Hollywood and Renn look on.)

Phantom of Hollywood: She really does love him, doesn't she, Renn?

Renn: Well, it's like I always say, Your Majesty. Children got to be free

to lead their own lives.

Phantom of Hollywood: You - always say that? (sighs) Then I guess there's just one problem

left.

Renn: And what's that, Your Majesty?

Phantom of Hollywood: How much I'm going to miss her. (He turns to her) Go to him, my dear. (she goes

to meet Gerry.)

Gerry: (sighs and doesn't even look at Aminta)

Aminta: (clears throat)

Gerry: Can I help you?

Aminta: But, Gerry…

Gerry: If you don't mind, I'm waiting for a chance to be with the only woman I've ever loved once again.

Aminta: But Gerry, it's m-

Gerry: Excuse me…(walks off, leaving Aminta in tears)

(fade to scene of Jesse and Aminta in her fixed-up cave of memorbilia)

Jesse: He wasn't worth it. He's a stuck-up snob who couldn't see you for the cheery, pensive, creative, intelligent, caring, loving…(he clears his throat, and looks into her eyes)…amazing-assed young woman you are.

Aminta: (Looks up at Jesse, and realizes that he's the one she's liked all this time, but couldn't see it, b/c her head was up in the clouds, and that he could see her for her true self, and liked her for who she was, even without the makeup and the glamour, bla bla bla, cheesy love story all over again)Oh Jesse… (Aminta kisses Jesse on the cheek, who blushes. Fades into evening of prom. Everyone is happy. Renn is attacked by Louis, who is the DJ. She beats Louis up and returns to the limo.)

Renn: Yes, Thank you, thank you. (Aminta and Phantom of Hollywood hug.)

Aminta: I love you Daddy.

(Big finale while "Part of Your World" music plays. Everyone slowly leaves as

Aminta pecks Jesse on the lips, grins while blushing, and enters their prom at the abandoned Victorian house, only fixed up and redecorated. Jesse stands, fixed to the spot, staring off into space, shocked, then runs in after Aminta grinning. She standing, her back facing the doorway, and she's flexing her amazing butt-muscles, as Jesse grins and they go in to dance. The last scene shows Jesse and Aminta dancing crazily in the middle of a crowd as everyone claps and cheers them on.)

All: Now we can dance,

Now we can sing,

Now we can stay all day on the stage.

Just you and me,

And I can be,

Where I belong.

THE END


End file.
